mememememememe

Is it a universal thing that everyone who looks back on old journal entries, whether written in a little locked book or published for the world to see, kind of cringes at times?

Or is that just me?

memememememememememememememememeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I guess that's what a journal is about, the person writing it, but man... whenever I go back and read anything around my birthday, there is massive cringing and I feel the need, in this published-for-the-world journal, to explain a little bit.

I DO get really memememe around my birthday and it's something that's been going on for a while. Since my 16th birthday as a matter of fact. See, the April 24th that I turned 15 years old fell during a time when my father was sick and I was in my first play in high school, (West Side Story.) He was getting better and should have been getting out of the hospital when things took a sudden turn for the worse and, on April 26th... really suddenly... he died.

The play was opening and I was having my party the next night.

I won't bore you with all the details of what happened but know there was a lot of confusion, a lot of tears and it was way too late to get someone to cover me in the play so I did it. I also had my friends over the next night and tried to do anything but cry. The cake helped but...

Fast forward to a grown woman who still has to fight to feel anything other than the most devastating loss just as she's supposed to be celebrating being. It's a little confusing.

But it is soooooooo much better than it used to be. (Thank you, time and therapy!) Now, I just try to make the time as fun as possible and surround myself with as many wonderful people as I can. This year was especially hard as the 15th was the first anniversary of my friend Matt dying, and March was the loss of all the hopes and dreams I had invested in my relationship.

gone gone gone gone gone

Shit... this is totally going to end up being one of those journal entries I cringe at when I go back to re-read. Ohwell... it is what it is.

One of the really good things about this year's April 26th is that my Mom, Sister and I all got to be together for it! That hasn't happened in a long time and it made this trip extra special for all of us. My Sister and I will try to get together whenever possible and, if we can't, we'll call each other and have a toast to his memory. Dad's favorite drink was a good Gin & Tonic so, at the wedding reception we were at that night, we all ordered one and had a toast to him. I'm still fighting all the loss but we got to have that and I am so grateful.

I love you more than forever, Dad.