Another good Saturday... hopefully

uh oh.... I might be in trouble...

I woke up this morning, after a lovely evening of Thai food and wine with some of my favorite ladies, and thought I would get back to scanning Semester at Sea pictures. So, I sat down at my computer, coffee in hand, and quickly checked my email... then I remembered something I had to post on another blog... then I decided to check in on my Ravelry forums because it's been foreeeeeever since I had the time to just cruise forums and read other peoples' blogs.

Well, I have become thoroughly ensconced in the Malabrigo Junkies forum and I'm teetering on the edge of ordering some online. Help! I can't! I can't afford to buy yarn right now, what am I crazy?! *pant* *pant* It's taking all of my willpower to not start surfing sites for Malabrigo sales...

It's......... sooooooooooooo....... preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettyyyyyyyyyyyyy

NO! I must NOT!

What am I going to DO with it anyway? I have a whole stash of yarn, with some pretty gorgeous Malabrigo already in it, and I need to start doing something with that first. I need to finish the Mariah hoodie; I need to finish the baby project; I need to get going on the other baby projects I already have the yarn for. I don't need more yarn.

*whew*... I think that did it. It's passed.

That was a close one but it did feel good to have the knitting itch again. Almost every knitter I know goes through phases where they don't pick up the needles for a while but we always come back. I think that's true of creative pursuits in general... that creative urge ebbs and flows with what's going on in our lives and sometimes that energy needs to go other places. We don't have an infinite supply.

I know the majority of my energy for the last few months has been going into learning and getting used to my new job/schedule/life... getting over the breakup... refocusing on me and what I need to be ok and, more than that, what I need to be happy. That's a lotta stuff all at once! The knitting could wait. Luckily it all happened over the summer when knitting tends to take a back seat anyway.

And now that I'm coming out on the other side, where am I? Well, I'm starting to actually enjoy my job and to look forward to being there, (which makes getting up so damned early easier to deal with). I'm used to being single again and a lot of my anger and sadness about the breakup has faded. Christopher has some great stuff going on now and I'm really happy for him. I'm starting to come back to life a bit and finding these fun flirtations coming up. Hell, I may actually go on a date again someday! Shocking...

My therapist is so exceptional and we've been exploring some way deep down pain and fear that's been ruling me forever. (You know what I'm talking about... we all have our own version) It's really really hard work but goddamn is it ever worth it. To imagine actually being free of it? Or at least to start being able to break it's rule? Unreal...

I'm starting to get back into doing some meditation and might just throw a bit of yoga in there, too. It's been a long time since I've really felt and used my body. Especially now that I'm getting older, I need to start doing that again.

I'm still not feeling any kind of desire to get back out into the club scene and I especially don't feel like playing from the topside right now. If anything, I've been opening back up to the idea of playing on the bottom and think that could be really good for me. (If you don't know what I'm talking about here, that's ok. If you'd like to, you can start by typing "BDSM" into google or here's the wikipedia if you like. If you'd like me to talk about this a bit more on the blog, let me know. I figure most anyone who stumbles on this from the knitting world isn't interested.) It'll take a lot of trust for me to be able to be that vulnerable again but I want to be able to.

So, that's my inner life update, with this blog firmly in the overshare department. Now I really need to get away from this pretty glowing screen with it's many windows to the world and actually go out INTO the world for a little bit. If only to get a movie for tonight...