I had been doing a bunch of film in Minneapolis, after lots of acting in high school. I really really loved it and came out to pursue it. I went to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, made it into their second year program, graduated near the top of my class and was even invited back to be a part of their third year performing Company.
When I got out of school, I began the process of starting a professional acting career in LA which, for a late 20's, not-superskinny, Midwestern girl with a look often called "strong", (you'd think that was a compliment but most of the time I heard it, it wasn't,) this was a very difficult process. Now, I know it's very very rarely an easy process for anybody and I knew that at the time. (I started therapy around this time, of which I could only keep saying over and over, "Why didn't I do this EARLIER?" It was and has been invaluable.) All this was the usual difficult young-adult-finding-their-way stuff.
What really made me let go of the acting dream for a while was the freaking strike that happened in 2000/2001. Everything that I could do as a non-union actor would have meant crossing a picket line to do it. I kept going to auditions and feeling worse and worse about it until I just couldn't anymore. I figured it would be a good break. I would focus on myself and try to get over all of the MAJOR differences there were between loving acting and trying to do it professionally. And believe me... they are major. The process of trying to get agents, (yes multiple. you need a commercial agent and a theatrical agent,) auditioning, the headshots, resumes, reels, how to make a living while having a schedule that's flexible enough for auditioning, the casting couch (yup, it's real)... all of it. It sucks. I hated my life and was very happy to let it all go for a while.
Cut to a couple of years later and the strike is over. My connections in the industry have faded a bit and, at this point I'm working with a major photographer and his agency and wondering what my future is there. It's a fun and exciting world and I stay focused on that for a while. Sadly, there are many reasons that didn't work out the way it could have, but c'est la and I get a really great "temporary" job to hold me over until I figure out the next step.
Well, the next step turned out to be a really personal one. One that took a lot of time and energy but contributed very little to mainstream career advancement. I'm talking about all the BDSM/Fetish stuff. Actually, if I would have wanted to be a Pro-Domme, I could have had a great career. Working in the clubs gave me a lot of experience in organizing and running events. I modeled for some of the best photogs out there. I learned the art of designing and making latex clothing from one of the best in the industry. I made a ton of connections and some very very good friends. I don't regret one millisecond of the whole thing but cut to 5 years later and the "temporary" job gets pulled out from under me and the last year's Ohmygod-What-Am-I-Doing Saga begins.
And here we are.
Over the course of said Saga, a lot has happened. I got to reconnect with my old photography friends for a bit, which was wonderful. I've made a bunch of new friends at this new Gourmet gig and have learned a lot about food, wine, coffee and running a business. All of this trauma has helped me prove to myself that I have a lot more to offer than I thought I did and that it ain't over until I'm dead. Hopefully that won't be for a very very long time and, until then, I got some living to do and I want to be happy while I'm doing it.
So here's (finally) the moment when I bring it full circle. A couple of times my therapist has called me "an artist in search of an art form". While that has been correct in the context it was said, I realized lately that it's not. Not really... I do have my art form. I just need to pick it back up. As much as I love the needles and the yarn and the clay and the latex and the events and on and on, I'm a performer and I'm not happy unless I'm doing it. So I will.
I have absolutely NO idea how this is going to manifest itself! A very good photographer friend has offered to do new head shots for me and that's step one for sure. I have plenty of friends in the business so I'm going to start picking a few brains and seeing where to go from there. I need an agent, hopefully two... maybe an acting class?... and if I can get a good personal assistant gig in the industry, that will help so much, too.
I'm excited! Not the adolescent, jump in/give up/need to prove myself excitement I had before, but the deep, humming excitement of an adult who's doing what she loves. If a career is born, great, and if not, then that's ok too. And it is... I'm not out to do anything but follow my heart and wherever it leads will be my life as I've chosen to live it. It's going to be really hard. I'm turning 40 years old this year! But I want to be happy, I want to be loved and to love in return, and no matter how old I am or what I'm doing, those things are up to me.
1 comment:
Woo Hoo!
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